Karma is a bitch.

God knows what I did wrong...honestly lol

Walking home from a donner up the street and see this old fella with a concerned looking lady behind his mobility scooty thing, she manages to flag me down and ask if I can help push the old guy up a small slope as his battery has died and he's stuck, she's no relation to him she was just helping out too.

So *bump* and up the slope we get and I ask if he has far to go.....mistake lol.

"oh no" spake he so down goes the hero of our tale, heaving, shoving, straining and eventually heaving for air.

Is the brake on or something? "Oh no" spake he once more....more shoving...."It's just that the wheels at the back here are sticking...."

....pause for gulps of breath..."Is the brake this yellow lever at the back? the one next to a padlock symbol whilst above it is an unlocked padlock?"

"I don't know" spake he for the third time...I flick the switch and though it was hardy free-wheeling it does make the job a bit easier...old daftie had his brakes on and drove around for 20mins before the battery gave up.

So 10 mins later we get him to the back of his house and as he gratefully shakes ladies hand they look round and seeing me missing ask "Who was that gasping man"...I hadn't left, I'd just needed a lie down in the long grass...

Only thing is on the way home I got a face full of grit and couldn't see through my right eye for 2 hours...fml! (not really lol)

What really annoyed as I'm sure you know by now is we passed at least 6 young healthy strong neds who only added a sneer to our plight. When I was younger I can remember carrying strangers bags, happy to do so.

So after all that I realise that at my age I need to do more that just try to eat healthily I need to do some exercise so that's the plan and may Grudd have mercy on my soul.

It's just came on TV as I type and it's that FUCKER singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" on the T-mobile advert - he is the most tuneless fuck ever and I will kill him if we should meet. (By kill I of course mean frown at as I am British)

More ads that make me sigh/chuckle/angry?

Car ads where they show the top of the range car and the small print on screen for 2 nanoseconds "Price quoted is for basic car" i.e. you'll be lucky to get wheels for that price.

Toothpaste ads that claim to give "a dentist clean (and here's the word that lets them get away with it) FEELING" small print says.."Does not give professional results"

All advertising is bull, no advert beyond ones basically advertising the fact that the product exists has ever affected my buying choice but there is one advert that will tickle me till the day I die...



Trumpets!

A whiff of burning ManUre...

After the sterling efforts of the two other old bastids in spewing out venom, venting spleen and moaning like a pair of old skool right-wing bawbags, I'm putting in advanced notice of an imminent upcoming shoeing of my own in here that will soon be administered by the big yin. I've got so many targets in my sights that I'm spoiled for choice. I've already got form for booting the erse of cyclopaths (literally), lung clearing ignoramuses and mentally defective cinema patrons so it'll have to be some other bunch of pricks that I'll have to kick off against...

In the meantime, in the wake of some absolutely appalling football results over the past week or so, I'm going to settle for giving a little clogging to the self-styled biggest football club in the world [blech!], Man fucking Yoooo. Okay, okay, I'll put my hand up right now and admit to some sympathies with the original red wearing team from that part of the world, (indeed, you might call them my wee struggling English yin to my hugely successful, globe straddling Scottish yang - or, it that wang???). That might discolour my perspective somewhat... but is there any fucker in the sports media with the cojones to point out any of the following simple, pertinent facts ??? As Rafa himself might put it :

FACT : They have sold two of their three best players (including arguably, the best player in the world, even though he is a cunt)...

FACT : They have replaced them with two random young French boys who we will never see again (wither David Bellion, anyone?), some anonymous bloke from Wigan and a turncoat little shit who is always injured and hasn't scored in the prem since January...

FACT : They took in eighty million quid and the above four mousekateers are all that they could fucking stump up for because they are in so much fucking debt... and yet it is Liverpool who are supposed to be under financial pressure at the start of the season ?

I'm sorry, you can fuck right off for starters after that lot. The bold Uncle Mex's prediction ? They are winning fuck all this year, take that to the bank. Do a double on the blessed Phil winning the World Championship yet again and earn yourself some spondooliks.

Made with the help of -

Crippled Black Phoenix "200 Tons of Bad Luck" - The first track on the album is called "Burnt Reynolds". Marvellous effort, I take my hat off, young sirs !

Oh FFS! Warning this rant may contain ads...and the word BASTARD.

The new Tarantino movie looks a jovial jaunt - plan to see it, if not in the cinema then through the medium of Russian piracy...

But for the love of Grud! It's just been advertised on...well Dave - the only channel worth watching on Freeview and even though the ad contained lots of lovely blood sprays and other violence it was called "Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious"

Weellllllll Excuse Me! (c) S Martin But I can pass by billboards 20ft high where it has it's official title "Inglorious BASTERDS"

Was I offended? Did I drop my shopping? Faint? No...Chuckle...Yes, Feck it's not even a real word - yet the tv thinks I'd be offended. The word is Bastard.

Self censorship is the way to go...I've been using it for years and I haven't been offended unless I've accidentaly flicked to BB or anything "Celebrity" - then I'm made livid.

"Flicked" is another example - Printed media banned the word Flick for years as in some fonts the l and the i combine to make a u...I have to admit as a child I would laugh as I saw it in the Daily Rangers tv section..."Flicks" with the sainted Neil Buchanan.

Example #3 Those make-up ads - for mascara...Show models with long luxurious lovely lashes...look towards the bottom of the screen and read the small print..."Model has lash inserts and post production has been applied" - This means your use of said product will in no way match what you have been shown.

Advertising has always been lies but in this day and age they are made to show what lies they are telling and I laugh my arse off with each new ad.

This rant can be sent to your phone for $500*

*The rant you may or may not receive, may not be this specific rant which may also contain materials unsuitable for anyone but may or may not entertain as much as promised or hoped for.

Våre gutter tok ettall helvete av en banking! *

So, anyone know how the second half went ? Did the blessed Fads come on and score a second half treble to put us on easy street ? I don't know the full story myself as I was busy cleaning up the remains of the dinner plate I threw at the wall when Pud's** toe bash free kick deflected off Broony and we went 1-0 down. Spent the rest of the evening watching "The Wire"... a wise, wise choice, I feel... :-(

Oh, well, at least we weren't the only useless tossers from these islands to get stuffed by the seal clubbers...

* "Our boys took one hell of a beating", in pidgin Norwegian. Elk hunting bastids.

** Okay, okay, some bloke named John Arne Riise, not Pud. Separated at birth if you ask me, tho'...

The old bastid's turn...

Ok where to begin? So much to rant about, so little time!

I guess the best place to start would be by commenting on what section of society annoys me the most...neds.

In many ways this is related to my young friend's experiences with the great unwashed (aka proto-neds) during his time at school. However my time at school wasn't really all that bad, I was never bullied (apart from one run-in with a member of the homo-erectus family known as "Reidy"). I believe ned culture has expanded exponentially since then and I do worry for the minority of youngsters who do want to learn and indeed better themselves nowadays.

My experiences of ned-ism are much more recent, like the time I lived in Fintrie Terrace when I would have gladly joined the local neighbourhood watch group if it meant being allowed to man a machine gun tower located outside my block. I'd have volunteered for all sorts of overtime and weekends!!

But why is society becoming like this? Three main reasons in my opinion. The decline in family values, the rise of political correctness and the expansion of the welfare state. I've travelled quite extensively in southern europe (Portugal, Spain, southern France and Greece) where families are still strongly bonded and the only troublemakers are dressed in rangers/england football tops. You may not believe me but there are no Greek neds!!

Well political correctness and the welfare state are topics on their own which I plan to speak about in their own right (unless my young friends wish to comment on first).

Basically it comes down to this: Parents, sort your f*cking kids out!! Discipline them! Don't kick them out of the house as soon as you wake up from last night's buckie binge and allow them to prowl the streets till dark o' clock like something out of 28 days later!

If they don't then, then I'm sorry to say, the parent gets a visit to a judge for a suitable* punishment.

Anyway, that's enough ranting for one post.

Adio my good friends.

*suitable = maximum possible

Little Dwayne and Brittany

In Scotchland we are one week away from the little dears going back to school and in general the adult populace will breathe a huge sigh of relief. I'm glad but realise that schooldays are not the best days of your life.

I have two nephews (actually many more but these two I like) and in the next few years as they are clever and not aggresive monsters they will probably be bullied by the slope brow brigade. Now it will be no surprise that yeah I was bullied but looking back If I had half a backbone or a clue back then it would have happened once and once only.

Uncle Mex has oft told the tale of the compass...and I couldn't repeat
it lol

My nephews will be fine. I know this as they may be the two sharpest people on the planet.

The biggest bullies back then were the teachers, with all the connotations of "The Wall" they seemed to inflict pain where they could and I know why they did.

Fear - I have taught and Jeez it was scary - sacks of uncontrolled hormones vying with each other to be alpha male and some plonker is asking them to do things they aren't capable of?

Danger! Taking one of the shaved monkey-kin out into the hall to explain that I knew he didn't want to be there (It was a class composed of scum the brew had told had to do something or they'd get no cash) but some of the people in the class might get in to "real" college if they could get through without disturbance. (they couldn't)

As the little fucker sneered and told me he couldn't give a toss I being a sane man withheld the urge to throttle the punk (just) but i also realised that if he wanted to attack me he had a horde of scum backing him up - I had no other teacher or adult within 50 yards... the thin red line?

The powers that be... as so truthfully portrayed in the recent Torchwood might just have had a point... Aliens appear, demand 10% of our kids... well you would give away the aggressive fuckwit 10% hell I think we could manage 40% easily and by give away I don't mean give away....cull.

oh ok to the salt mines!

And homework ffs! If you can't teach what you need to within school hours then you are a apish teacher - let the kids have the 2 or 3 hours they get each night during the week to themselves.

That ok for a first post Birthday Boy?

Greeting, Pop Pickers !

Allo, matey peeps, and a warm welcome to 100,000 years, the culmination of what happens when three gnarly old gits from Hillhoose decide that what can be done badly through three, separately appalling blogs might just as well be done even more shoddily via the collaborative vehicle of one huge steaming pile of blogtastic jobby... and here we are !!!

Alright, that's the pleasantries over with. Let the bile commence! Good ole Cap'n Amerikkka here shows just how we deal with troublemakers around here, let that be a warning to ya all, y'hear ???